I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He? As in you personified your dick?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
