how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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