Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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