So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
