You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we're so committed to being not committed
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
