How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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