That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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