i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
