And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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