meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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