in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
