Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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