I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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