I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
