Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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