If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
