walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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