my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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