I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
