I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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