What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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