I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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