I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
