i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
