Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
