Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
