i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
