Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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