I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
