Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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