meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
