1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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