I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
