Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
