my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
