my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
