when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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