My friends, they love my intelligence
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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