New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
