Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
where are my eyebrows?
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