Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
