I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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