mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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