I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
