I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
