I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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