And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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