you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
