took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
