I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
