Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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