I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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